This is what I remind myself when I feel like giving up and surrendering to this constantly feeling like *shit*. “Today I accept the true purpose of my body. I am here to use this body as a learning device through which I become more connected to love. My physical healing offers me energy to be of higher service. I accept my body as a vehicle for sharing more light with the world” – Gabby B
I remember my younger self, 15, pulled out of school and in hospital as a day patient to recover from an eating disorder. The pain I saw in my fellow 'in mates' was heart breaking, I wanted to reach out, to help, to shake them back to their senses - for their family, their children, their lovers, their friends. I wanted to stand on the table where we were all forced to remain for 30 minutes during feeding sessions and scream, "Why? Why have you all given up!?" To jump up and down on the couch in the room we were then confined to for a further 30 minutes and ask, "What made you give up? Who hurt you so bad you just want to fade away!? But then I looked down at my own fragile frame and fragmented sense of self... Oh. Ouch.
That's when it hit me - to help others I first must heal myself, then, and only then, will I be able to help others do the same. 17 years later, I'm closer, but still not there. While my body image and weight have been healed, daily repercussions of my past actions are apparent. Reading Gabby's quote reminds me why I continue to battle, to look for answers, things that work, and why, one day (hopefully soon) all this will make sense.